This post from 2014 is an archival re-release of concert reviews I posted online in 2009. I was 18 at the time I wrote these, so they really suck, even by my standards.
I went and saw Primus for the second time two days ago. It was great. However, the topic of this post has a greater purpose. In 2009, I wrote some very poor reviews of shows I saw that are in danger of becoming lost to the internet’s black hole of unsearchable obscurity. So in all poorly utilized grammar, questionable opinions and unmistakably teenage Vin style, here are reviews of the Mayhem Festival of 2009 and Thrash And Burn Tour 2009. Brought to you by 18 year old Vin, a person infinitely stupider than 2014 Vin.
The following is a post brought to you by Vin, age 18, on August 2nd of 2009
So I paid $40 for tickets a long time ago (before Slayer announced a new album, before seeing Manson’s terrible performances this tour, etc.) and finally 7/31 came around. Showed up at like 2 PM and these were the bands me and my friends planned on checking out.
All That Remains
Job for a Cowboy
The Black Dahlia Murder
Luckily, Mushroomhead (cue “Dark and Evil Joe” quotes) replaced the incredibly terrible Bullet For My Valentine on this stop. White Chapel sucks, so I didn’t bother to check them out at all.
Whitechapel: They were playing when we got there. Heard their shit from a distance and stayed away. Terrible excuse for a band. Automatic 0/10
Black Dahlia Murder: I like Miasma a lot and Nocturnal was pretty good, they put on a solid show. A lot of their songs sounded the same though. 7/10
God Forbid: I was back in the parking lot smoking blunts while this band played. Came back to catch a song and a half that were both okay. I remember the Constitution of Treason album was pretty good back in 2005. 5/10
Job for a Cowboy: You know what sucks? Having to listen to the metalcore formula of BREE *riff 1* BREEEEEEE *riff 2* for a half hour straight. Most of my friends enjoyed them but I thought they were pathetic, even though I was stoned. 4/10
All That Remains: Phil Labonte sounded good and the crowd was into it. They mostly played songs off Overcome and Fall of Ideals. 7/10.
Behemoth: I’ve heard a lot of good things about them, but never bothered to check them out until now. I’ve obviously been missing something because this was the best show of the day yet at that point. 8.5/10
Trivium: I hate everything about Trivium. My friends loved it, but I spent the whole time annoyed. The one song I like by them (“Pull Harder On the Strings of Your Martyr”) was in between a bunch of same-sounding, early Metallica ripoff songs. 2/10
Cannibal Corpse: Finally, a band that played a lot of good songs, and the crowd was intense as hell the whole time.
1. Evisceration Plague
2. The Time To Kill Is Now
3. I Cum Blood
4. Sentenced To Burn
5. Make Them Suffer
6. Priests Of Sodom
7. Hammer Smashed Face
8. Stripped, Raped, & Strangled
Setlist. My favorites were probably the 1-2 Sentenced to Burn and then Make them Suffer. The crowd went ballistic at Hammer Smashed Face. 9/10
Mushroomhead: Ever since J. Mann left, I haven’t been into much of their new material, and their live performances are missing something too. Waylon did a decent enough impression though and Jeffrey Nothing sounded good. Not enough material from Superbuick and M3 though. 7.5/10
Killswitch Engage: They suck. Their guitarist is the biggest fruitcake in metal, and all their songs sound the same. Yet again, I opted to spend this time consuming lots of alcohol and not caring about KSE. 0/10
Slayer: Ah yes, the crowd started out with nothing but shouts of “FUCKIIIIN SLLLLAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYEEEERRRRRRRRRR” and became one giant pit not too soon after they started.
1. Darkness Of Christ
3. War Ensemble
5. Psychopathy Red
6. Born Of Fire
7. Mandatory Suicide
8. Chemical Warfare
9. Ghosts Of War
10. Dead Skin Mask
11. Hell Awaits
12. Angel Of Death
13. South Of Heaven
14. Raining Blood
Setlist. Needless to say, I was very happy that the setlist was so heavy on old, classic Slayer tracks and only “Jihad”, “Psychopathy Red”, and “Disciple” from the newer albums. Kinda sad that they didn’t play Seasons in the Abyss or Postmortem, but who cares, they kicked just as much ass as they did back when I saw them on Unholy Alliance (except for the fact the openers there just blew Slayer out of the water). 9/10
Marilyn Manson: Yeah, I like the fact Twiggy’s back, but he’s on guitar now and Manson is a fat fuck now too. Manson sounded okay in terms of this tour, but terrible compared to say, 1998. He headbanged lazily and huffed oxygen in between songs, but what do you expect from a makeup wearing 40 year old who’s still trying to be shocking and relevant?
1. We’re From America
2. Disposable Teens
3. Rock is Dead
4. Irresponsible Hate Anthem
5. Little Horn
6. Arma-Goddamn Motherfucking-Geddon
7. The Dope Show
8. 4 Rusted Horses
10. Sweet Dreams
11. The Beautiful People
Just new songs and hits, so a boring setlist too. 5/10.
Well, that was Mayhem fest. $40 for a few decent bands (Mushroomhead, ATR) and a few great ones (Slayer, CC, and Behemoth). Aside from the short setlist times, not really worth it in my book. After we left, I proceeded to parachute a xanax, drink a half a bottle of vodka, and black out on my friend’s floor. But it was a good time while I was conscious. Fuckin great concert.
tl;dr: Went to Mayhem Fest, it was a cool story bro.
What a riveting tale. I’ll bet that one could go down in the history books for worst concert review ever written by a non-autistic person.
Now, for something even more embarrassing (how is such a feat more possible at this point?), a review of a show which featured legendarily shitty fucking retarded moron-core band Emmure in a headlining position. Fuck the world.
The following is a post brought to you by Vin, age 18, on August 19th of 2009
My friends’ band was on the bill and I got a ticket off one of them for $10 a long time ago.
Bands I bothered to check out:
Against All Hope (local band)
Veil of Maya
My Children My Bride
Crown The Martyr (friends’ band)
Against All Hope: This is a local band, and their singer was given what I can only describe as the gayest pair of shorts ever by Emmure, to wear during their set. So it was basically a dude in daisy dukes and nothing else jumping around in my face the whole time. The band blew too. Fucking garbage. 2/10
Oceano: I think I spent this band’s whole set talking to my friends. They were generic -core. 3/10
Veil of Maya: I was probably too smashed at this point to care, but from what I remember, more generic -core. 3/10
My Children My Bride: Saw one song and decided my time was best spent in the courtyard smoking cigarettes. 0/10
Crown The Martyr: I’m friends with everyone in this band, so a review from me is going to be biased towards them. They managed to actually keep a crowd this time, and my friend Koub who plays guitar ripped his shirt off (he’s pretty fat). They had a new song and successfully started a circle pit too. 8/10 based on their previous performances, but again most of you would probably hate it.
Despised Icon: Completely brought the shit down. The crowd was into it, and they played mostly stuff off The Ills of Modern Man, which is the only album by them I’ve heard. It was pretty good. Didn’t bother with the pit because it was full of Emmure fans, hardcore dancing or blindly swinging like fucking retards. 8.5/10
Emmure: They opened with “Soundwave Superior”, that video everyone makes fun of. That was all I needed to hear to know it was gonna suck. I went to the Pizza shop down the block. 0/10.
Devildriver: Most of my friends left after we got a pizza, so it was up to me and my friend Chris alone to take on the Devildriver pit. They came out and kicked ass, solid setlist with most of their well known songs and a couple from the new one. The rest of the band was great, but Dez was only okay. The mic cut out a couple times, and his voice is definately showing age. All the Emmure-tards left, and the place was about 60%-ish full though, so it was an actual pit without a bunch of hardcore dancing faggots. Had an awesome time in a real pit, without having to dodge flykicks. 9/10.
Well, if you go, I’d suggest having other things to do, because there’s still only 2 good bands on the bill. My friends’ band was on the bill and I got a ticket off one of them for $10 a long time ago.
I’d like to thank my friends Eddie and Jakoub for being good friends that day and performing a nice set even if their music probably wasn’t that spectacular, I haven’t seen them in a while now. Other than that, it was a ridiculous clusterfuck of a billing looking back. Funny my friends played after bands that are relatively well known in that whole -core shit scene now. This was like right before I moved away from where I went to high school and started going to college. I actually saw a fucking Emmure concert and they really are the worst band I’ve ever seen in concert. Coal Chamber sucked, Devildriver’s older stuff was pretty good back then and Despised Icon were decent. Everything else at this one fucking blew big old AIDS cock though. 2009 was a weird time in my life, but whatever, this is some rare vintage material from my 18 year old mind. Which has only grown more educated and yet corrupted since then. If you read this, I have one question for you. Why the fuck did you read that shit?
“Worst review ever” – Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons