Now stand and bask in total disbelief with me, whether you actually liked Guns n’ Roses, like hundreds of millions of total dumbfucks, or stand and bask in total disbelief like someone who really never got it in the first place. Somehow, in the year of our dark lord and master 2016, the one guy who schemed and plotted his way back to center stage in the world of old, washed up and father certified rock music was Axl “Bill Whaxl” Rose, the infamous shut in and punchline who masterminded and failed to properly release “Chinese Democracy”, and also fronted this band that people liked when everyone was blowing 6 grams of cocaine a day as per doctor’s orders back in the 1980s. In a plotline of unreliability not seen since people still actually thought “Spinal Tap” was a real band, Axl Rose not only managed to reconvene with long lost band mates and only sources of credibility left, Howard “Vunter Slaush” Slash Saul Stern Hudson and Duff “Simpsons beer is named afer me and then my pancreas exploded” McKagan, but also ended up inheriting the throne of lead singer of AC/DC after Brian Johnson permanently suffered hearing damage. And I really mean inheriting the throne, because this fat uncoordinated motherfucker broke his ankle at the very first Guns n’ Roses “reunion” concert and has been forced to perform from the hand me down throne given to him after Dave Grohl broke his ankle and did Foo Fighters concerts from this throne. Remember back in 1991 when I was less than a year old and Dave Grohl yelled “Hi Axl!” like a real life internet troll after winning an MTV award? It was because Axl wanted to beat him up because Nirvana didn’t want to open up for Guns n’ Roses according to sources. I don’t remember that either, but I saw it before on the internet so it must be true. Just like the embarrassing performances of the band “Guns n’ Roses”, aka Whaxl Poser and his hired guns, aka I bought out Robin Fincke, Brain, Buckethead and Tommy Stinson. And DJ Slashba, I have never seen a big poser fuck up guitar playing thousands of teenagers can nail like that dickbag DJ Slashba did, on the singular concert footage I ever saw of him with “Guns n’ Roses”. Chinese Democracy is easily one of the biggest joke albums of all time, totally not worth listening to again other than what Buckethead shredded on guitar on it, and a case where the guest contributors had more to gain than anything Whaxl had going on. It all culminated into a huge joke, and the best thing anyone got out of this was a free Dr. Pepper. He tried to tour with DJ Slashba and some other nameless joke when Buckethead decided to go release 100 albums per year and Robin Fincke rejoined Nine Inch Nails, and got laughed off the stage especially at the Bridge School benefit concert (My friend saw it in person and can confirm it was a fucking joke).
But now it’s 2016, and even despite a laughable tumble from the short stage at the club in Los Angeles where they played their ultra exclusive first “reunion” show, and by reunion we still mean Howard Stern and Duff only came back, and now instead of that guy who played on the Failure and Tool cover album, they have some girl who dresses like Bulma from Dragon Ball Z playing keyboards instead, it’s still seeming to be Axl’s triumphant return to being that ginger douchebag who would turn your local stadium into a classic English soccer riot every time he played there. Because now he’s the lead singer of AC/DC, and he’ll be taking you on the Highway to the Jungle, Thunderstruck with November Rain, Whole Lotta Rocket Queen, For Those About to Don’t Cry (okay now I’m really stretching it).
Holy shit when did this become a full on parody? People are still throwing down far too much money for the “Guns n’ Roses” reunion while whole sale rejecting the Axl/DC shows, I really can’t blame them at all, but that’s because no one in their right mind wants to see Axl Rose perform live in 2016. Scott Weiland died and now Axl Rose might as well be the lead singer of Velvet Revolver in the case of the “Guns n’ Roses” reunion. Axl/DC is full on fucking parody joke level material. And with his broken ankle and proclivity to never show up when he’s expected, why in the hell are we suddenly granting Axl Rose with untouchable legend status now? We’ve heard Use Your Illusion Part 1 and 2, we’ve heard Chinese Democracy, we’ve heard fucking Velvet Revolver, there’s nothing left to gain out of the “Guns n’ Roses” camp. And from AC/DC, maybe “Rock or Bust” became bust. Brian blew his hearing out after years of performing and racing cars, he’s almost 70. Angus needs to hang it up after this sad parade of a karaoke performance by the most tone deaf cat that got stabbed with a 5,000 degree screwdriver in rock music. If he even shows up. And if he does, he’d better demand that Angus give him some reggae.
Well at least we can finally declare 1980’s hard rock dead forever, right?
As harsh as I am on the current status, let us take a time trip back and remember that in the actual 1980s, these bands were pretty good by the time’s standards:
But what would I know, I wasn’t even born yet when all of that came out. Somehow 2016 was the year of the Axl Rose though, what in the fuck happened to rock music?