The James Alex Fields Jr. Award for Song of 2017 Most Likely to Drive a Car into a Crowd of Innocent Bystanders

2017 is the first year I won’t start a list of best songs and albums that will remain incomplete from here on out, because it’s the year I’m not even bothering.  There was good music in 2017, that’s not what this article is for.  This is a place to name and shame the worst offenders of assaulting my ears in 2017.  I’m not going to make it easy, picking on big name shit peddlers like Imagine Dragons or 21 Pilots or Lil Uzi Vert or Portugal. The Man or Migos or Cardi B. or whatever easy targets there are to name for continuous commercial mega hit sonic rape on the loose this year.  That’s too easy.  It’s going to have to be the three worst songs from bands I have a history of hearing and hating instead, because these bands can never seem to get their shit together and it’s all lead to a sad tragedy such as this, being compared to a Nazi-revivalist retard who drove his car into a crowd in the name of an outdated and hate filled ideology and killed an innocent woman.  These songs are similar crimes against humanity.

3. Weezer – Feels Like Summer

If there’s one thing Weezer is hopelessly devoted to these days, it’s career suicide and releasing the worst song from their album as the first single.  Keep on pounding the few nails left to seal up your coffin, Rivers Cuomo.  “Thank God for Girls” won the Jared Fogle Award for Song Most Likely to Offer an Underage Teenager Unprotected Sex in Exchange for a Shitty Subpar Sandwich Award in 2015.  In 2017, it’s only predictable that Weezer would end up on the short list for candidates for this award with yet another horrifyingly awful new single from an irredeemably bad album.

2. Linkin Park – Heavy (featuring Kiiara)

This is the opposite of heavy.  This is also about to be one of the most offensive things I’ve ever reviewed, so all you sensitive happy people should check out now:

The choking of Chester Bennington as the noose tightened around his pasty white neck sounded better than this song.

This is horrible for even Linkin Park’s standards and has no excuse for existing.  Seems like it ended up being a devastating end for this band that was no doubt a huge and iconic band of the last 2 decades.  I did listen to them as a young teenager, but this is such a far removal from even their old “experimental” A Thousand Suns pop/techno half-assed try-hard bullshit.  This album followed up their “nu metal revival” album too, of course it would, that’s just like how Korn always follows up their “nu metal revival” album with an album full of dated electronic copping dogshit. Chester’s whole “I’ll punch haters in the fucking face” outbursts before his untimely demise also punctuated the whole absurdity of this all.  It’s like Linkin Park wanted the world record for fastest career suicide ever.

1. Theory of a Deadman – RX (Medicate)

I refuse to link to this song to give it any fucking internet traffic.  That’s how much of an abomination to all that is alive, dying or ever did possess a modicum of well-being this piece of shit is.  The single worst thing about this is that it’s actually from perpetual hangers-on from the great white North Theory of a Deadman, a band possibly worse than Nickelback because they were a band signed to a label by Chad Kroger, who introduced this band by having their singer and guitarist play in his hit piece of shit “Hero” from the very awful Spiderman movie from way back in 2002 when everything was in lower definition and the post-9/11 fear campaign was in full effect.  Of all the bad bands Canada shafted the world with in the 2000’s, Theory of a Deadman were most likely the worst of them all. Theory of a Deadman would go on to have a soaring career when they had songs like “Bad Girlfriend” featuring the lyrics “My girlfriend’s a dick magnet” top the rock charts in the US in the late 2000’s bizarre cock rock and post grunge crossover phase that thankfully died a timely death. In 2017, this band is desperate enough to get a hit that they’re trying to shoehorn together a fuck-all abomination of indie whistling as bad as “Young Folks”, awkward talk-rap-rambles like some country hick hop Everlast “What It’s Like” rehash, and a weirdly self censored chorus where it alternates between fuckin’ and frickin’ like the singer forgot he was already swearing in the song.  This song sucks, so of course it had commercial success, just like summer.  “Just Like Summer” went to #2 in the Alternative charts and “RX (Medicate)” went to #1 in the Mainstream Rock charts, proving the worst is the most popular.  Weezer’s Pacific Daydream album and Theory of a Deadman’s Wake Up Call album debuted on the same day and both became commercial bombs despite the success of their horrible singles. When the remaining diehard fans of bands like Weezer, Linkin Park and Theory of a Deadman are even rejecting their new material, maybe things are looking up after all.

Be on the lookout for the upcoming article “The Grunge Revival is Dead, The Nu Metal Revival is Dead, The Emo Revival is Dead, Who’s Next?”

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