The Jeffrey Epstein Award for Worst Album of the Decade

Welcome to the shit show folks. It’s been a long time since I’ve done a decade-long rundown of truly catastrophic failures, so long that the installment from the aughts has been lost to the internet abyss. This will be a look back at the revolting, disgusting audible atrocities committed in the past ten years that can only live up to the honors of one Jeffrey Epstein, a dead pedophile scumbag whose suicide remains shrouded in conspiracy. We’ll probably never know the truth about that one. What we can hold as a very important truth is that the following albums we’re about to undertake are definitely as bad as the litany of offenses committed by Jeffrey Epstein himself. By the time you’re done reading this, listening to these albums or are merely reminded of their existence, you’ll be ready to throw a rope around your neck and settle in for a nice long dirt nap too. For your suicidal urges, I present the winners of the Jeffrey Epstein Award for Worst Album of the Decade.

10. Lil’ Wayne – Rebirth
Genre: Rap Rock, Hip Hop, Pop
Released: February 2, 2010

I fucking warned you, the reader, that you were going to be experiencing trauma on par with being molested as a child. Let’s take it all the way back to the very beginning of the decade to recover the suppressed memory of Lil’ Wayne’s “rock” phase. I unfortunately attended high school in the late 2000’s, and Lil’ Wayne was easily the most beloved rapper among my peer group at that point in time. When Lil’ Wayne began to work on a follow up to his iconic release Tha Carter 3, he decided to switch up directions entirely and make “rock” music. I put “rock” in quotation marks here, because this album does not rock, nor does it do any favors for the much maligned Rap Rock crossover genre either. What we have here is 12 songs of the same variety as “Prom Queen” up there; Wayne “singing”, heavily auto-tuned as was the trend of the day, over the most boring and stock late 2000’s pop-punk-emo riffs. And no, your eyes don’t deceive you, that was in fact Fieldy and Munky from Korn performing as Wayne’s backup band in that video. There’s a shocking lack of nu-metal here thankfully, the guitar riffs never get heavy, and when they do something other than the Fallout Boy/30 Seconds to Mars-esque pop radio ready sound it’s even worse. “The Price is Wrong” sounds like Wayne listened to 2 minutes of a Bad Brains record and thought “hey I can do that”, but his lyrics are yet again about bitches he wanted to fuck in high school. HR from the Bad Brains doesn’t even sound as bad as this now, and HR does not sound good these days at all. The subject matter in this album is hilariously awful, Wayne either talks about generic teenage angst and relationships, or he’s endlessly repeating himself and doing dumb sing-along sections with lyrics like “My president is B-L-A-C-K!”, or “Da da da da da da da da da da”, or straight up repeating the chorus of “Brass Monkey” by the Beastie Boys. Hey, speaking of rap rock, those guys did this 20 years before Wayne did and they managed to not suck. Eminem and Nicki Minaj have guest spots, they make a lot more sense than fucking Fieldy and Munky on a Lil’ Wayne record, and go figure that these songs are basically just regular old bad Lil’ Wayne songs instead of “nu-rock Weezy”. See, I’m not a fan of Lil’ Wayne, everyone grossly overrated his abilities when I was a teenager and listened to him ad-nauseam, thus shoving his really bad voice and flow down my ear holes on a daily basis and I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from it, I flat out can’t stand the dude. This album was not in fact a career suicide, it sold at least half a million records and “Drop the World” with Eminem went platinum four times over as a single. However, Lil’ Wayne’s next album Tha Carter 4 was almost as universally despised as Rebirth and he spent most of the 2010’s battling with a severe lean addiction that nearly killed him. He managed to make a comeback with The Carter 5 in 2018, it’s not any good either, but he gave his fans what they wanted after nearly a decade of trolling them with music so bad, even Lil’ Wayne fans weren’t having it. Rebirth was a hell of a way to start a decade, and it’s a hell of a way to start a countdown of the worst albums of that decade, go to fucking hell with this shit Weezy. You can barely produce listenable hip hop music, stay the fuck out of other genres.

9. Megadeth – Super Collider
Genre: Heavy Metal, Hard Rock
Released: June 4, 2013

Hey, remember Megadeth’s 1999 album Risk? No? Good for you if you don’t, because it was easily the worst Megadeth album upon it’s release and remained so by quite a considerable margin. In 2013, Dave Mustaine must have been feeling nostalgic for his late 90’s Load/ReLoad cycle ripoff days, because with Super Collider, Megadeth officially topped on Risk for the worst album of their career. Super Collider is simply put, Risk Part 2. The only person who likely looks back fondly on Risk is former Megadeth guitarist Marty Friedman and he wasn’t even involved in Risk Part 2, I mean Super Collider, so who this album was supposed to be for is a mystery to me. It certainly wasn’t for the people who enjoyed Megadeth’s return to thrash metal with serviceable albums like The System Has Failed or Endgame. It wasn’t for people who were excited about Dave Ellefson’s return to the band on bass a few years before this album. A look at the producer and prominent guest vocalist featured might be a bit more on the money though; this album was produced by Johnny K. and features David Draiman from Disturbed.  Johnny K. has produced such timeless legends of rock music as Disturbed, Drowning Pool and Finger Eleven, and David Draiman scatted and made monkey noises over the 2 note riff for “Down with the Sickness”, that explains a lot about the target audience for Super Collider. This album was purposely designed to be the dumbed down, radio ready butt-rock of the days of yore. Another problem is that this was being released in 2013, not 2003, so pandering to the style that gave David Draiman a career was hilariously out of fashion. It backfired so spectacularly that while the previous album TH1RT33N (that title though, yuck) and subsequent album Dystopia had singles that received radio airplay and charted, Super Collider did not. Shit Sells… But Who’s Buying? Clearly no one, and when I finally got around to seeing Megadeth live about four years after this album came out, they had purged any material from it from their setlists. While Dave Mustaine’s signature brand of lyrics often sound like they were penned by Alex Jones or lifted from an internet conspiracy theorist, on this album we instead were treated to lyrics directly ripped off from a fucking refrigerator magnet. In 2013, I gave this album an award titled “The Sarah Palin Award for Most Retarded Album of the Year”, so this album gets the distinction of winning two purposely offensive awards for two different periods of time, it’s just that fucking terrible. Risk Part 2, I mean Super Collider is officially at the very bottom of the list of the Megadeth discography, it’s their worst album of all time.

8. Gorillaz – Humanz
Genre: Pop, Electronic, Hip Hop
Released: April 28, 2017

Let me apologize for not giving Gorillaz’s “Hallelujah Money” a James Alex Fields Jr. Award for Song Most Likely to Drive a Car Into a Crowd of Innocent Bystanders back in 2017. While I was blinded by my rage for Weezer, Linkin Park and Theory of a Dead Man at the time, I somehow forgot to include this. This barely meets the description of what could even be considered a song, and this was the first song released from what was their first album in six years at the time. Wow. This consists of an extremely repetitive music piece and what sounds halfway between a political speech and a drunk guy mumbling on a street corner for a vocal part for 4 and a half minutes. It’s extremely off putting, lacks anything catchy or energetic and barely has Damon Albarn’s vocals included. Gorillaz albums are usually drastically different in sound from each other, and this one was an even further extension into the “made on an Ipad” sound they’ve had since The Fall’s release. When Plastic Beach was released and showed an extreme shift away from the spacy hip hop meets alternative rock sound of Demon Days to a more plasticine pop and electronic driven sound, it took me quite a bit of time and chemical consumption to get into. Humanz on the other hand was outwardly repulsive in just how tossed off and disengaging it sounds. The guest list is very less than impressive compared to all three previous main Gorillaz albums; Pusha T, Danny Brown, Vince Staples and De La Soul are probably the only ones worth mentioning, it’s not their fault the album sucks. Whoever the fuck Benjamin Clementine is can just fuck right off though, get that weak shit out of here. I distinctly remember listening to this album the first time with my girlfriend and we barely paid attention to it, there was nothing grabbing me and drawing me into listening and as the album inched along at a way too goddamn long 20 tracks. It’s not even 50 minutes long in total so these tracks go fast and disposable. Eventually I looked at the computer playing Humanz, seeing that there was only 3 songs left and being very relieved… until fucking “Hallelujah Money” came on and made me instantly turn it off. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t going to stick around for 5 minutes of goddamn “Hallelujah Money” after 17 less than memorable tracks and I didn’t even listen to the entire album the first time I heard it. That was the tipping point that made me hate this album, the sequencing. Gorillaz albums are typically very long, and thankfully Humanz is the shortest one, but it also has the most tracks at 20. Gorillaz also used to feel like a huge collaborative group thing with a diverse style from song to song, and that just isn’t happening here, it’s all laptop electronics all the time with guests you’ve probably never heard of dominating the vocals. In 2018 they released another album called The Now Now which was slightly better (and had less tracks, thank fuck) but not much worth repeating either. At least we’ll always have the Gorillaz’s first three albums to fall back on, which makes Humanz all the worse off. Years of hype and expectation were obliterated by this uninteresting at best and hilariously terrible at worst record.

7. Dream Theater – The Astonishing
Genre: Progressive Metal, Rock Opera
Released: January 29, 2016

It’s no secret that I really dislike Dream Theater. They exhibit all the worst stereotypes of progressive music, and are living proof that a good musician can also be a completely shit songwriter. I can barely tolerate the earlier work before they were making 6 part suite double CD length albums, and unfortunately the album they released in 2016 was one of those kinds of Dream Theater albums. It was actually a rock opera concept album, and I’m sure you know how this is going to go… I fucking hate everything about this. I don’t care what the plot is, this is already a daunting task to hear over it’s 130+ minute length. Over two agonizing hours of Dream Theater spread out over 34 tracks on two CDs, with the first CD being 79 minutes and 49 seconds long. Dear fucking Satan why? Not even fucking Tool or Metallica have ever filled up 79 minutes and 49 seconds of a CD with all the throwaway length padding filler that Dream Theater is offering up, and they have the audacity to spend another 50 minutes on the second disc. What the fuck? Who would ever want to listen to that much fucking Dream Theater in a row? The stupidly concocted high-art rock opera concept records that tanked so many other prog-rock bands in the cocaine 80’s were almost always a bust and Dream Theater was never going to pull that off. They can’t even pull off the unlistenable wank-off cornball style-over-substance showcase that is every one of their other songs I’ve ever heard. I did listen to this album, once, over several spaced out portions around it’s time of release, just to gauge how bad it really was. It lives up to it’s reputation, it’s definitely the worst Dream Theater album in a discography made entirely of bad Dream Theater albums. Sometimes you have to indulge in that sort of morbid curiosity, there’s definitely some more examples of this coming up in the list since I only give albums I actually listened to in full a shot at the glory of a Jeffrey. Dream Theater already took home a Hilary Clinton Award for Worst Album to Keep on Your E-Mail Server of 2016 for The Astonishing, so it was a slam dunk for an appearance in the worst albums of the decade list. It has all the credentials: repeat offender, features the members of Dream Theater, is over 2 hours long, has 34 tracks and is a rock opera. It’s an astonishing piece of shit, never change Dream Theater, you’ll always be terrible.

6. Machine Head – Catharsis
Genre: Nu-Metal
Released: January 26, 2018

I just learned this album was released on my birthday. Fuck this even more now. Machine Head is a band that exists to co-opt current metal trends of their eras, in 1999 they released their first foray into nu-metal and nearly killed their career with The Burning Red and Supercharger era. While The Burning Red was a decently successful release in 1999, the backlash over time for that era of Machine Head fueled a churn through overly long metalcore and groove metal songs before circling back into the drain with a dip in the nu-metal revival of the 2010’s. In 2016, Machine Head released a single called “Is There Anybody Out There?” which hearkened back to the sounds of The Burning Red and immediately won a Hilary Clinton Award for “We Were Going to Make a Donald Trump Award About Sexually Assaulting you but he Won” Joke Song of the Year from this site. 2016 had a particularly tasteless period of awards, sort of like Machine Head’s most recent album Catharsis. This record swan dives into the asphalt of the nu-metal revival with a staggering 74 minutes and 26 seconds length over 15 tracks. We have yet another album in this award ceremony which loves to overstay it’s welcome and spread itself out over far too many tracks. Nobody ever wanted to hear 75 minutes of Machine Head making more sub-par hanger-on nu-metal jams, but here it is, here to stay. In 2018, Machine Head’s infamous Dropkick Mollys meets hard-R racial slurs track  “Bastards” from this album may have taken home a Rivers Cuomo Award for Non-Weezer Worst Song of 2018, but that song was a wild outlier bogged down among another 70 minutes of nu-metal revival recycle bin background noise. They tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end Machine Head didn’t even matter. Are you ready? To be sick of these lame nu-metal punchlines? You will be after 70 minutes of Machine Head’s lowest of the lows. When Machine Head’s lineup splintered and disbandment looked almost certain at the end of the tour for Catharsis, some of us thought it a nice respite from their off putting brand of repulsiveness. Robb Flynn unfortunately knows where the cash cow lies, because in 2019 he has 3/4ths of the Burn My Eyes lineup on tour playing that album again. Machine Head fans still down with the sickness will still show up to let freedom ring with a shotgun blast, or whatever cringe inducing catchphrases they had from those days while imagining the Catharsis era will lie down with The Burning Red era as a distant memory. But with a new single like “Do or Die” from 2019, the nu-metal shit-talking hanger-on washed-up has-been revival lives strong with Machine Head. Machine Head have also earned the dubious distinction of being one of two bands further disqualified from winning any more awards for worst songs and/or albums on this website for the consistency and frequency of bad new releases in recent years. Like Weezer, Machine Head has become too prolific and disgusting to bother dealing with anymore, fuck this band.

5. Salem – King Night
Genre: Witch House
Released: September 28, 2010

Now for something completely different and unexpected, unlike every other act featured in this list so far, this band has disappeared completely and has been gone for a thankfully very long time now. Salem are a one album “band” of nobodies that time completely forgot. I forgot this even existed until I had to begin compiling this list of award winners. This was the last of the 00’s putrid bowels of Myspace.com clearing out early in the decade before becoming dead as history. Salem is an extremely minimal, extremely druggy, extremely repetitive band mostly dealing in washed out synthesizers that sound vaguely gothic and “trap” beats that were made by suburban white kids who never listened to a UGK album. All of their vocal parts are the worst things I’ve ever heard passed off as a performance. Salem is notoriously terribly live. They look like the actual worst live band of all time. The only reason I even know of this album is because it was in heavy rotation during binge drinking and blunt circles that I can only assume happened in September 2010 based on this album’s release date, and never again was it heard for the entire decade afterwards. Witch House was being hyped up on the internet as a big new thing at the time, and hilariously the only bands that still deal in the sound are side projects of old metal bands. Chino Moreno had his Crosses project which is the only Witch House band to ever get widespread popularity, Greg Puciato from DEP has The Black Queen which started as a Witch House side project around this time, and Salem hasn’t released an album since 2010. With Myspace.com’s influence on music dead, so was Salem, a band that debuted on Myspace.com in 2008 with the “Yes I Smoke Crack” EP. Appropriately titled, you would have to be high on crack to think that this album was worth either making or hearing. This is probably the least known album to receive an award ever on this site, thank you Salem for fucking right back off into obscurity where you belong.

4. Lou Reed and Metallica – LULU
Genre: According to Wikipedia, “Avant-Garde Metal”
Released: October 31, 2011

You know it was a bad decade for music when fucking LULU only made it to number four. It’s LULU. It was guaranteed a number one, right? These awards aren’t exactly stratified, they are all varying degrees of terrible, but every ranking is merely a distinction between forms of fecal matter. It’s all a great big pile of shit that won an award named after a child molester. That’s how goddamn dire things are. I’ve talked about LULU far too much to care to recap this disaster yet again, you can read those here, and here, from the Metallica Week series of articles. My opinion hasn’t changed any since those, LULU is still terrible. Now that I’ve inexplicably come into possession of an actual physical copy of Lou Reed and Metallica’s LULU, I can rant about an aspect of the album that is not nearly hated upon enough. The album artwork for LULU is fucking terrible. That’s what we’re down to, I’ve already hated on LULU in every other aspect possible that I somehow have a CD copy of LULU to critique the fucking artwork. A mannequin dressed up to looked like a dismembered prostitute’s corpse. Ha fucking ha, it’s as awkward as the subject matter on the album but fitting for such a spread out mess. The entirety of the lyrical content of a CD copy of Master of Puppets I had lying around was four pages of a booklet. One song’s lyrics take up two entire pages multiple times in the LULU booklet, accompanied by artwork of mannequins fingering themselves while bleeding. Every single one of Lou Reed’s elderly sex-addled demented rantings were present in full, every last one from “I would cut my legs and tits off” to “I will swallow your sharpest cutter like a colored man’s dick”, and of course, “I am the… tablet?”. Wait, they really reprinted all of these lyrics to great detail like “A puny body and a tiny dick, a little dog can make you sick” but managed to fuck up the iconic “I am the table” line? Are you fucking kidding me, even the liner notes of this horrifying album are goddamn trolling me. It in fact says “I am the tablet” in the liner notes of LULU. The rest of the artwork involves mannequins painted like prostitutes masturbating, having lesbian encounters, water sports (yes seriously, it’s weird as fuck) and being murdered and dismembered while bleeding all over the place. It is the stupidest artwork I have ever seen in an album in my entire life. It really does have to be seen to be believed, but I just threw this CD of LULU in the trash and tomorrow’s garbage pickup day so I’ll never have to see those scarring images again. I won’t have to worry about ever hearing it again anyway.

3. Morbid Angel – Illud Divinium Insanus
Genre: Death Metal, Industrial Rock
Released: June 7, 2011

The album that was so bad, even Hitler hated it. The album that was so bad, it made the Morbid Angel reunion into an instant punchline. The album that was so bad in a decade plagued with terrible albums that it only made it to #3 and can only say it was better than fucking LULU in the slimmest of margins. Morbid Angel’s Illud Divinium Insanus is truly one of the biggest disappointments ever released. It is easily a top candidate for worst reunion album of all time, right down there with candidates from this very decade that didn’t make the list like Stone Temple Pilots with the late Chester Bennington, Stone Temple Pilots with Jeff Gutt, and Stone Temple Pilots with the late Scott Weiland. It’s unbelievably worse than the worst reunion album of all time featuring Smashing Pumpkins with only Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chamberlin, Smashing Pumpkins with just Billy Corgan, or even Smashing Pumpkins with Billy, Jimmy and James Iha. But even those managed to dodge the list entirely in a decade of awful, awful reunion albums. Way back in 2003, Morbid Angel released the album Heretic which was until 2011, the worst Morbid Angel album of all time and seemed to consist of jam sessions and recycled garbage, and an extremely poor follow up to Gateways to Annihilation. In the late 2000’s Morbid Angel reunited with original singer and bassist David Vincent and toured on solely Altars of Madness through Domination material, and then they released this piece of monumental shit. For this album, Morbid Angel had a few regurgitated boring if passable death metal songs like the misleading first single “Nevermore” and “Blades for Baal”, but the vast majority of this album is nu-Morbid Angel. They seem to be riding a late 90’s-early 2000’s Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie and Fear Factory aping style that had been way the fuck out of fashion at the time, too early to ride the nu-metal revival where that actually became a thing again but still being outright terrible and offensive regardless. Songs like “Destructor Vs. The Earth Attack”, why do these fucking exist? Why is it 7 minutes long? Why does it sound even worse than Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie’s horrible 2010’s output that barely dodged making this award ceremony? Then there’s the single worst song this band ever recorded, including all the dumb demo material on Heretic, “Radikult” which I linked above. It’s nu-Morbid Angel for nearly 8 minutes with dumb sing along gang chants like “Killa kult” and “We’re living hardcore radikult”. Holy shit fuck this. Thankfully, Trey Azagtoth would get his shit together and link back up with Steve Tucker and Morbid Angel released the halfway passable Kingdoms Disdained album almost 7 years after this complete disaster of a reunion album. I remember hearing this album for the first time and being completely blown the fuck away by just how completely awful and disappointing it was, and to this day it remains an experience in just how out of touch and revolting a comeback can turn out to be.

2. Korn – The Path of Totality
Genre: Nu-Metal, Dubstep, Brostep
Released: December 6, 2011

Something was really wrong in 2011, the top of this list shouldn’t be this heavy on albums from the exact same time period. Things were really fucked up. Let’s talk about two of the worst musical phenomenons of the decade, Dubstep and the Nu-Metal Revival. Both of these were absolute scourges and it’s surprising just how many albums from those categories managed to dodge this list. One reason is because nobody who actually liked dubstep listened to album length music unless it was an insanely repetitive DJ set,  and the other is because I didn’t listen to many of those nu-metal revival albums anyway. There’s a lot to hate and dive deep on here, so let’s start with where Korn was.

Korn was coming in hot off of their second nu-metal revival album from 2010, Korn’s first album to do a “nu-metal revival” was in 2003 when the genre was originally dying a welcome death. Skrillex had some previous nu-metal cred by being in a band with Wes Borland called From First to Last, and they are some of the most tryhard screamo-mallcore bullshit imaginable. Wes Borland is a man who has made music with Fred Durst and Skrillex as the frontman, I don’t understand how that man hasn’t lost the will to live. When I say I hate dubstep, I don’t mean I hate some Burial or Caspa album from the mid 2000’s or whatever the origins of this style of electronic music is, I specifically mean the thing that Skrillex is mostly associated with. It’s a specific style of electronic music based around extremely annoying bass drops and looped samples and it really does remind me of nu-metal song structurally speaking, they call it “Brostep”. Dubstep has also thankfully faded into the realm of only being used for advertisements or hyping a sports stadium up in 2020, so nobody is hearing this literal noise as music on a regular basis anymore.

The 2010’s had so many bad albums that in the nu-metal revival realm, there were countless runner-ups that couldn’t make it to this list of Jeffrey winners. Limp fucking Bizkit released a reunion album in 2011 and it couldn’t even make the top 10 while being released in a year with three of the top four, that’s how bad shit was. Linkin Park released three albums that didn’t make the list, though they won previous awards. Disturbed released possibly the worst cover song of all time and didn’t make the list. Godsmack, P.O.D. and Staind still exist and didn’t make the list. Lostprophets had a literal Jeffrey Epstein in the band and didn’t make this list. This album is worse than fucking Catharsis by Machine Head, the worst nu-metal revival album of all time. Things are extremely dire, and yet here we are. Korn and random hot dubstep DJs of 2011 shitting out dumb drops of nu-metal one note riffs over annoying one tone dubstep bass drops ad-nauseum. I actually saw featured DJ Excision at a club when I was 20 years old about 6 months before this album came out, I wasn’t there for the music and cannot remember a single thing about the music he supposedly performed, but that’s the only other name that sticks out. I remember Datsik had some recent news for being a creep, but can’t remember any of the annoying noise he considered his music either. Who the hell even are these people? The only reason Korn even advanced beyond here with a career is because Brian “God Gave Head Back to Korn” Welch returned to the band and they went on yet another nu-metal revival streak which continues to this day. Wasn’t dubstep supposed to be party music anyway? Why match it with a band most famous for songs about suicide and sexual abuse? It’s the worst nu-metal revival album, the worst dubstep album and the worst collaboration album I’ve heard in the entire decade including LULU, that’s a fucking price to pay. Congratulations; Korn, Skrillex, Datisk, Downlink, Excision, Noisia, Kill The Noise, 12th Planet, Flinch and Feed Me, you are all a bunch of fucking hacks and I hope all of you compose phone advertisements and themes for riling up drunken sports crowds for the rest of your miserable lives.

1. Speedin’ Bullet 2 Heaven – Kid Cudi
Genre: Rap Rock, Post-Grunge
Released: December 14, 2015

This might be one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever heard in my life. I don’t really understand why this came to exist, but I do know that Kid Cudi is from Cleveland and that just makes this more embarrassing. What we’ve got here is a massively successful rapper outdoing Lil’ Wayne at what he does worst. Now that’s not to say they’re doing the exact same thing, Kid Cudi is trying to draw from 90’s grunge moreso than Wayne’s grab at 2000’s era pop-rock, but Cudi’s ends up being way more disappointing due to going for a more ambitious genre in the first place. Cudi’s trying to stack up with Nirvana, Radiohead and Alice in Chains on this album. Weezy tried to stack up with Fallout Boy and Panic At the Disco and failed. Cudi obviously failed too, but way further. And further certainly counts because this was a 93 minute long double CD album that commercially bombed worse than LULU did. This was a complete failure in every single aspect imaginable. This album has 26 tracks, which is far more than any grunge album ever did  unless you were counting Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by the Smashing Pumpkins in that category. The sad part is that the only good tracks are the segues hosted by Beavis and Butthead themselves, yes Kid Cudi actually hired Mike Judge to do B&B skits all over this album. I’m pretty sure they would have shitted all over Kid Cudi back in the days of yore, but this album will do fucking anything to pay tribute to the early 90’s. In a way I have to give it to him, I really do believe Kid Cudi is influenced by and enjoys the early 90’s grunge rock and alt rock scene, and took a step out of bounds to try it out, but he cannot emulate this style to good effect at all. This is fucking hilarious for every wrong reason possible.

In 2015, there were two double CD albums at 93 minutes length that were destined to fail. One was Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz, an album by Miley Cyrus and The Flaming Lips. This historically awful collaboration album did not even make this countdown. It was a total abomination, it killed The Flaming Lips’ career comparably to Lou Reed himself dying shortly after LULU’s release, but it was so widely hated that it would only occupy space more valuable for something like the other 93 minute long double CD album of the year from Mr. Mescudi. Ironically, Iron Maiden released a 92 minute long double CD album in 2015 and it was one of their best since the 1980’s, funny how that works out.

One thing that cannot be understated about this album is how it rang the death of the late 2000’s to mid 2010’s grunge revival. In this weird period of time, almost every grunge band that wasn’t Nirvana managed to reform or return to form and the big names of that scene returned to a prominence not seen since the 1990’s. For example, at the beginning of 2010, Soundgarden announced their reunion, Alice in Chains had released their first studio album since 1995 in late 2009, Pearl Jam released an album in late 2009, Stone Temple Pilots were about to release their first album since 2001, and even the Melvins made history by charting an album for the first time. Billy Corgan was still keeping the “Smashing Pumpkins reunion” afloat at this point too, but it’s a fucking miracle none of his output under that banner made this list. By the point this album came out in December of 2015, Scott Weiland had just died after several years of being booted from Stone Temple Pilots again, Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains were inactive after several years of touring and Soundgarden had just wrapped up a historical Nine Inch Nails/Soundgarden The Downward Spiral/Superunknown anniversary tour. Then this hit. Then I wrote the worst album review of all time where I predicted Chris Cornell’s suicide. Obviously it’s a reactionary joke, in the same way this is the fucking Jeffrey Epstein Award ceremony, but in hindsight this is probably the worst album review I’ve ever come up with. That said, don’t listen to this album, the best parts are Beavis and Butthead’s commentary and the worst parts remind one of why the grunge revival flamed out anyway. Not the deaths of their key figures in the past, recent or distant, but the quality of the work.

As of 2020, Alice in Chains are the only band out of the big names of the grunge revival (and grunge itself) to release a new album in recent years. Pearl Jam released the song “Can’t Deny Me” in 2018 and it was a leading candidate for the worst song of the year award, it does not inspire hope in the 7 years since they released a new album and the 17 years since they released a good album. What Stone Temple Pilots are doing now is just shameful, Jeff Gutt is borderline worse than fucking Chester Bennington, at least Chester Bennington actually fulfilled the self loathing drug addict qualification of being lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots. Smashing Pumpkins haven’t released an album worth listening to since the 1990’s, regardless of how many original members claimed to be on the album. Kid Cudi quickly went back to making hip hop music and regained some of the prior success he had, however never reaching the heights of his late 2000’s Man on the Moon heyday. Puddle of Mudd released a new album in 2019. Grunge is deader than Disco, which still lives on in a revival that has outpaced the grunge revival by thousand-fold influentially. The 2010’s were fucking weird. Genres revived and committed ritualistic suicide in short periods of time. You could witness initiation, establishment, canonization and abandonment in record speed. The fact that a mainstream rapper could aspire to put out a double CD album in tribute to his favorite 90’s bands in an extremely poorly performed style that was over an hour and a half long, and have it released and then buried shortly afterward as it if never happened is just peak 2010’s revisionist history. We will never forget the atrocity that is Speedin’ Bullet 2 Heaven by Kid Cudi. It was like a Holocaust, a 9/11, a Hiroshima-Nagasaki, a Sandy Hook, a completely unforgettable tragedy that you can never forget. It was the worst album I ever suffered through for one listen with my friend on a random night in December of 2015, it was out of the utmost respect for grunge that we listened, and it was out of the utmost disgust what we took away from it. This album did previously win an award called “The Eagles of Death Metal Award for Album Most Likely to Shoot Up an Entire Room of Music Fans Over Outdated Ideologies” in 2015. That’s an offensive fucking title to win, an album comparable to a terrorist attack on a concert. But Speedin’ Bullet 2 Heaven was even more offensive, comparable to the child sexual assault king of the decade. It is truly a despicable act of not only terrorism and sexual assault, but a simple abomination of the concept of sound itself. This is the worst album I ever listened to in full of the entire decade, the one time I did still gives me an inescapable effect of PTSD when dwelling upon the shameful memory. Fuck every single thing about this album to death.

Now that we have buried ourselves down the hole of repressed memories of the last decade, the new list to deliberate and eventually post will be the most ambitious yet. I hope to complete a list of the 100 best albums of the 2010’s for this site, and it will be posted in eventual time. Thank you to all of those who actually lasted it out for the 6,100 plus words this article ended up as, and for those of you who actually listened to some of the music I discussed, I am apologetic and sorrowful. You shouldn’t have to suffer as I have.

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